Manifesto Benzillum
(Why I'm Better Than You)

By now, you must already know that I am Benzilla. And before you tell me I have superiority issues, hear me out. I am about to prove, as logically as possible, that I am, in fact, better than you. Now, It's been said that all men are created equal. So OK, maybe when we were born, we were all the same, but look at me now, and look at you. It's that simple. I'm not saying that you're a bad person, because everyone has their own strong points. Everybody is good at something. Everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake, yada yada yada... I'm just explaining to you that whatever your strong points are, they aren't as strong as mine. You following me? Just start reading. As you feel the self-esteem slowly drain from your body, you'll begin to see what I'm getting at.


Benzilla, The Lover:

Here, you would probably expect to find my boastings of a vast quantity of exploits and trophy stories. Well, you can look to the Horseman web site for that. Call me a sensitive guy (or a little girl), but you see, I'm all about quality, not quantity. Don't write this off as that sappy stuff amateurs do because they think that's what girls want to hear. There's a difference: I'm looking for Ms. Right because I want a teammate in life... someone who challenges me, someone who can, dare I say, even CORRECT me sometimes. Amateurs focus all efforts on one target in the hopes of better success. It shows a lack of confidence, and I figure that if you're not even confident in yourself, why would anyone else bother to get to know you? Anyways, the point is that I don't need to fill my life with the exploits of dozens of women. I just need to find the best one and spend my life with her.


Benzilla, The Fighter:

6'4". 210 lbs. Grew up on the streets of San Jose. That's all true, but I'm not at all a thug. I really wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm extremely gentle and fairly patient. Of course, there are situations that call for a temporary loss of composure. As Lee San Miguel would say, "Beware the fury of a patient man." Fighting... it's not that I can't, it's that I generally don't. I'm too loveable to pick a fight with, but if that doesn't stop them, my size usually does. A question: why would someone carry a baseball bat in their car but no baseball glove? The answer: pray you never find out.


Benzilla, The Horseman:

Yes, I am a knight of the esteemed Horsemen. As a charter member (one of the original four), I've seen everything that's happened to our group from its formation, to its exploits, to its rise, its fall, and its return to fundamentalism... I am what you will never be: an elder Horseman.


Benzilla, The College-Grad:

I spent my academic career on the mountainous campus of the University of California at Berkeley. I earned my degree in Cognitive Science. What the hell is that, you ask? It means that I understand how you think better than you understand how you think. And having a degree from Berkeley has a certain edge over most other colleges. Ask an employer. It's true. "I'm sorry, you went to U.C. Where? Notre Who? University of B.F.E.? Where? What? Nowhere?" That's exactly right, Folks. You went nowhere. I went to Berkeley. BERKELEY! World renowned center of technology and research. BERKELEY!!! As my friends on BART (the local subway system) would say, "You betta recognize."


Benzilla, The Consultant:

As a freshman in college, I started as an intern at PeopleSoft. That's right, PeopleSoft. There, I gained priceless experience, fortified my résumé, and made more money than I could spend. I spent my spare time gaining technical skills galore and real world experience that kids who dick around in college living off their parents never get. Now that I've graduated, I'm PeopleSoft elite: a CRM Consultant. I'm the spoiled-brat bad-boy of the software industry, specializing in the hottest new technology. (If you are a computer nerd like me, you should now be thoroughly impressed.) How old are you and what are you doing with your life? Exactly.


Benzilla, The Fire-Breathing, 50 Foot-Tall, Radioactive Lizard:

Oh wait... that one's not me. Sorry about that.


Benzilla, The Role Model:

Face it. I'm smarter than you. I'm better looking than you. I'm funnier than you, and chances are, I'm taller than you. My site is better than yours. My taste is better than yours. My life is better than yours. People just like me more. So why fight it? Why not just accept the fact that you should aspire to imitate me? Why not try and learn from me?

Essentially, it's too late. Before you write me off as some ego-maniacal would-be dictator, realize that it's already begun. Don't waste my precious time trying to argue the point. Just hold on to your family, and pray for divine intervention. No, better yet... give in to me. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach. You know it to be true. Doesn't it feel right? Yes... Trust me, it's for the best. Don't worry... Benzilla will take care of you. Benzilla will fix everything. I'll make it all go away. Just succumb to my will, My Little Piggy...


- Benzilla

Modest? No.
Raving lunatic? Maybe.
Self-righteous? Probably.
Invincible? Absolutely.

Now that there's no denying the proof, simply click below to submit your free will to me. E-mail me your soul. Be one of my minions... you know it feels right.