Have you seen Vanilla Sky? Tom Cruise has an alarm in that movie such that he wakes up each morning to the sound of hot women whispering his name. I could do that, if any of the hot women I know would record it for me. Takers? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I was flipping through a catalog the other day... it may have been Sharper Image or something of that sort. Anyways, I saw an alarm clock in there that uses a bank of sound effects to wake you up. Specifically, there were things like babbling brook, a heartbeat, soothing ocean waves, etc. And I thought to myself... "Ocean waves? Are you kidding me? Maybe if you actually dropped me into the ocean, maybe that would wake me up. Maybe."

On my birthday a few years ago, J.J. got me an alarm clock that plays CDs. It was something I'd had my eye on for a while. I figured it was a great idea... I get to wake up to my favorite songs every morning. I did not foresee the consequences of this. There are few things I hate more than whatever agent it is that wakes me up in the morning. My old alarm clock used this terrible buzzing noise, and to this day, if I hear it on a television commercial or a movie, it instantly puts me in a bad mood. Anyways, I found that after only a couple mornings of waking up to a song, I hated that song. Hated it. And not only that, but I'd sleep through it for a while, and I'd eventually get through the whole CD each morning, stumbling out of bed to hit snooze a half a dozen times. After a few CDs, I realized that I'd rapidly ruin all music for myself if I kept it up. So I left the disc that was in there in there and have not changed it in a few years. The idea is that the one band is ruined for me as a sacrifice to save all other bands. That band? The Yardbirds. I've woken up to "For Your Love" every morning for the past 3 or 4 years. I now thoroughly hate that song, that album, that band. But I can't change it. Why train myself to hate yet another band as much as I've been conditioned to hate the Yardbirds?

And on top of everything else, I still sleep through that shit. If the Yardbirds, blaring loud enough for neighbors to complain when I've left my window open (and they have, I kid you not) can't wake me on time, you can be damned sure that soothing ocean waves will slip by unnoticed. I hate alarms. It's unnatural to be forcefully jolted awake every morning. You should wake up naturally. It's healthier. And work should start at noon every day to accommodate that. But it should still end at 5:00pm.

- Benzilla