Most of my visions are so big that they can't be fully realized in my current living arrangement. I need land, power, and devoted disciples to make all my dreams come true. The logical solution? Start my own country of course! But all that is easier said than done. Just about all the land on earth has been colonized in one form or another. (Incidentally, I'm not too keen on the fact that there isn't really a place on earth that you can go and live with no government. I'm not saying I would live there; I probably couldn't even hack it in a nation of anarchy. My point is that if you wanted to live your life and take your chances with no interference from various world governments, you really couldn't. This is our only earth, and yet you have no choice but to live, to a degree, under other peoples' rules. It's unfortunate.) I guess there's always Antarctica. But who wants to live there? Maybe I could go start my own country at the South Freakin' Pole like some sort of Bizarro Santa Claus... nobody owns Antarctica yet, do they? But again, who wants to live there? It seems that if I want my own country, I may need to look in my neighbor's yard, so to speak.
Why Malta?
Well, why not? Malta is a small European island that, as far as I know, is a military feather-weight. It's large enough to constitute it being its own nation but small enough to be a great starting point... a target-country for beginners, as it were. It's perfect. And the name! It's not just that it reminds me of malt (which is good stuff in and of itself); there's something else to it. I don't quite know. It's a moot point anyway because I'd change the island's name as soon as I got there. Also, it's in a great location: the Mediterranean Sea. We'd be only a short flight (courtesy of AirMalta) from Italy, France, etc. And the climate is diverse; both stormy and tropical. Below are the up-to-date weather conditions on the island of Malta.
The Obvious Benefits:
The main point I need to get across is the amount of freedom I'd have. That's really what sold me on the idea to begin with. I was discussing this with Jared a while back.
"So Jared, would you come live on my island?" I asked.
He says, "Absolutely."
Just then his wife chimes in, threatening to leave him if he tries to make her move there. Why she wouldn't want to stay there, I can't imagine, but she's weird about stuff like that... she's got no confidence in me. Anyways, I asked her if she'd be willing to at least visit my island once before she made her decision. She agreed, and right there I had her.
You see, once you set foot on my island, you're in my world. No NATO, no Interpol. My rules. My laws. My way. I told her it would be like that movie "Not Without My Daughter." She'd be stuck there, and I wouldn't let her leave. Leave Jared? Where you gonna go? You're on an ISLAND! So you see where I'm going with this. We decided Jared would start carrying around the island's constitution on a notepad in his pocket. As we walk around and new laws occur to us, he just writes them down, and at that exact moment, they become law. How's that for efficient government?
"Hey Jared, that one guy... Joe Schmoe... yeah, he's been getting on my nerves. From now on, it's no longer illegal to assault anyone whose last name begins with the letter 'S'."
This is the sort of bizarre legislation that might come to pass. And who'd stop me? Things get boring around my island? OK, then cannibalism is legal on Thursdays. The color yellow is outlawed in ALL forms. How about if we change our national language from English to Cajun-French? Anything I want, whenever I want, and for no good reason. Are you interested in moving there yet? Wait, it gets better. By the way, here's a drill down of Maltese geography:
The Not-So-Obvious Benefits:
Consider the fact that I would be my own representative in the U.N. I could show up in a purple suit if I chose to. I'd have no one to answer to but myself, and my behavior among the other U.N. reps would be a fair representation of myself and my nation's ethics. If I'm loud-mouthed, so be it. If I sleep through some of the meetings, who is responsible? Me, Baby. Just me.
Similarly, I could make or break alliances whenever I wanted to. I might join forces with the Ukraine because I like their accents, or perhaps I'd tell India to fuck off because the Prime Minister's wife gave my wife a dirty look at the last Eco-Summit. Hell, I might even befriend Holland just to secure good trade-relations when it comes to wooden shoes! The point is that it would be entirely up to me. Any enemies I made would be entirely my own concern and so I could throw my weight around in the media and make political accusations. Why should I worry if I offend some stupid continent?
Think about this: I could personally compete in any event I wanted to. Or all of them. I can hear it now. The announcer would have to say, "... and in the 200-meter dash, representing the nation of Ben is... Ben." I could enter a midget basketball team to represent me. I could hire drunken, hairy biker-types to compete in synchronized swimming, or how about sending Hulk Hogan in for the Greco-Roman wrestling team? The possibilities are endless, and believe me when I say that if this all came to pass, the Olympics might actually get ratings again.
Oh, you got your best friend a DVD player for Christmas? That's nice. I gave mine a state!!! A STATE!!! You see, if I owned my own country, I could dole out land as I pleased. Hey Jared, it's been a good year. Have a state. The state of Jared. A whole state. It's just that simple. I figure, when you can change political boundaries on a whim, you're everybody's best friend.
I'd have considerable control in molding the culture of my island's inhabitants. I could write pages on what art forms, artists, musicians, and authors I would cram down their throats and make mandatory in schools. If you've read through my site though, I'm sure you already have a good idea of the sorts of things I would let impact my people and which other things I might ban outright.
Every country has its mascot, right? America has the bald eagle; the former U.S.S.R. had the bear. So wouldn't I get to pretty much pick whatever animal I wanted to be my nation's mascot? My first choice was a bear, but that, as we've discussed, was taken. Then I thought praying mantis, but who uses a bug for a mascot? It came down to a toss-up between a monkey and a hairless cat. And the cat wins purely on looks.
As if all that wasn't enough... there's one more special perk. I would get to design the new flag, and if you know me at all, you can surely guess its design. Here's the transition the Maltese should all be looking forward to:
Just How Realistic Is This?
Well, to cover my ass, let me be serious for a moment and say that I have no intention of any violent or forceful behavior towards the nation of Malta and its peoples. Besides, assuming I did take control, what would I do with the current 300,000+ inhabitants? I don't suspect they'll be open to a reculturization process... at least not the kind of culture I'd bring. And what kind of government would this be? I don't think dictatorship is the right word. After all, though up to me, the laws wouldn't really be based on any long-term benefit. I threatened to introduce cannibalism for Christ's sake. Could it be a "Benist" government? A Benzillocracy? Who cares, as long as I wear the pants. Then what about other countries? I'm bad-assed and all, but if the U.S. decided to take Malta back, what could I do to stop them? I don't think the land area of Malta could fit a large enough military to fend off any of the world's super-powers. I'd have to charm the earth's governments into leaving me in peace. So why not just MOVE to Malta if I love it so much, and forget trying to take it over? HAVEN'T YOU BEEN READING?!? I need the power! I need the flag! I need it all! By the way, in case you're interested, here's a link to the Official website of the *current* Maltese Government. Though I may never own their island, my web page beats the piss out of theirs.
OK, So Why Malta Again?
If you still don't get it... consider yourself lucky. You're probably better off. I'm not sure this all makes sense to me either. It's childish, not thought out, and maybe even a little dangerous. But if you think you do totally get me, then I'll make sure to save you a spot in my cabinet.
Conclusion: Do It For The Children
Folks, let's be honest. I need this. My ideas aren't the kind that I'll find enough support to make happen. I need official power, because my plans are selfish, and I need to be able to force them on others. Won't you help, Brothers and Sisters? You can live on my island. I'll give you a state! You'd live under the most beautiful flag mankind has ever flown. I'd change things, you know. And so I challenge the world! If I had Malta, the earth would live in utter peace and harmony. Everyone would be happy and fulfilled. You don't think so? Prove me wrong! Give me Malta and see what happens! Until then, you'll never know. Ask yourselves this: "If not Benzilla, then who? If not now, when? And if not Malta, for the love of God, WHERE?" Thank you, and goodnight.
- Benzilla
