Confidence in a Cup Life, Fear, and the Nature of the Balls
The Question:
This is aimed mainly at guys, but some of you girls out there may feel me too. So the question is, have you ever had occasion in sports or otherwise to have to wear a cup? For those of you who don't know, a "cup", in this context, is a plastic shell that covers your genitals to protect you should something or someone impact them. A jock strap is a sort of half-underware thing that holds the cup in place. From now on, when I refer to a jock strap, I specifically mean one with a cup.
I'll relate my personal experience to you. When I used to take martial arts classes, it was imperative that you wear a jock strap. I know what you're thinking. "Let me see, let's go pay money to spend an hour of time with people trying to kick me in the balls. That sounds like fun." Well with a cup, it didn't matter. No lie. Someone could kick you nearly full force in the groin, and it wouldn't hurt. In hindsight, it may just have been that after sustaining a shot in the crotch, I was so elated that my little guy was safe that I didn't feel the pain distributed though it was to the rest of my pelvis. Anyways, my point is that I felt invincible. I knew that no matter how bad I got my ass beaten, my testicles were safe. Now do you see where I'm going with this?
The Answer:
It seems logical to me that if I could find a way to produce this invincible feeling all the time, I'd be super-confident and make a killing in the business world. The obvious answer? Wear a jock strap all the time. No, I'm serious. If I had a cup on all the time, I would fear no evil. I'd help old ladies across the street. I'd fight crime. Who could stop me? I'd meet every challenge head on. I wouldn't back down from Mike Tyson. Sure, he might rearrange my face, but my balls would be invulnerable!
Seriously, imagine it. What do you worry about when you are about to fight someone? You might break your arm? You might LOSE your arm? Now think about this: you might lose your balls. An arm, OK. But my balls? MY FUCKING BALLS?!? Sorry to fly off the handle there, but let's be reasonable. Priority #1 is balls, flat out. Balls. You take my balls, you've taken my will to live. Your girlfriend or wife may keep them locked away in a jar, but at least they're safe, you know? So what if I could offer you a guarantee that your balls would not be harmed? Imagine that you could walk into any situation with confidence of knowing that your boys are as safe as if they were in your girlfriend's jar at home. I'm telling you: you can! This strategy, however, is not without its potential problems.
The Problems:
The Bulge The first problem you might think of is: what about the bulge? My first answer is: you mean you don't already have a bulge? You see, no one on earth is going to think you're actually wearing a cup in a casual situation. The bulge is not ridiculous as it would be if you were stuffing socks. Especially if you're wearing something like jeans, it will hardly be noticeable. The bulge will probably only help your reputation. And if, by chance, a young lady decides to see what you're packing, the cup you're wearing will tell her that you're practical. It says, "I'm romantic (I'm worried about the safety of my balls), and I'm interested in having a family (I want my balls to work, forever! You hear me? FOREVER!)." What more could any woman want?
Flexibilty This would be a problem for me. I judge many of my clothes by the range of motion I have while I'm in them. I don't wear pants that I think they'll split when I throw a kick. So won't a cup be uncomfortable and get in the way? I've found that it won't. Your normal need for rearrangement is drastically reduced by the fact that your package is all held together by the jock strap. I think you'll really be surprised at just how care-free you can be when your boys are strapped in.
"Kick me in the jimmy!" Here's the biggest problem. Now that you're wearing a cup, you feel invincible. You'll find you have a subconscious need to prove yourself. It may lead to an overcompensation of groin confidence. You may practically dare your enemies to make an attempt at your crotch. A typical conversation with your boss might go:
"Hey Boss."
"Hey Ben. How's your day going?"
"What, do you want to kick me in the balls now or something?!?"
I don't recommend throwing your balls around at the first sign of trouble, but should you find yourself in that situation, rest easy knowing that your groin can take the hit.
Time To Buy A Porsche "So, what if I can't find a cup that will fit me?" Then you're a liar. And if you really do need one that big, perhaps you should look into a film career.
Case Study #1: Alex DeLarge
The prerequisite for this case study is that you've seen A Clockwork Orange. In this Kubrick film, our hero Alex has a gang of three other men that walk around town, terrorizing the locals and beating up other gangs. One of the defining characteristics of this group is that they wear jock straps on the outside of their clothes! On the outside! They clearly have no problem demonstrating the importance of their yarbles! As a result of this boldness, they also have no problem dispatching would-be enemies. Strikes to their respective groins are all but ignored, and their confidence leads them to many victories. Now surely these characters have a host of other mental problems, but you can be damn sure that lack of confidence isn't one of them. Neither is testicular dysfunction. Enough said.
Case Study #2: Jacques Strappe
To protect his identity, we'll call our subject "Jacques Strappe". Now here is a guy who could really use my advice. To see why, click the "Demonstrate" button below. He is ruled by others, and it shows. Does your boss "walk all over" you? Perhaps you ought to look into a cup... so to speak. Until then, tuck and roll, Jacques! Tuck and roll!
Conclusion: The Nature of the Balls
Throughout history and in your own life, you've undoubtedly come to see that the tall blade of grass is the first to get cut. To put it another way: isn't it always the comedian of the group that catches the most hell from the rest? If you stick your neck out, if you try to be important, if you try to shine... people will try to knock you down. As it is in life, so it is with testicles. It's the nature of the balls. They stick out. They are the most important thing to you, and as a consequence, they are often the target of your enemies. Your enemy may be that bully down the street, or your angry girlfriend, or even a low pitch at a softball game. The point is that you probably spend more time than you realize either directly or indirectly protecting your groin. It's a flaw of nature. While our bodies naturally pump out adrenaline during high-stress periods, we lack the ability to remove our manhood from harm's way. That which is the very source of life dangles free to fall helpless victim to fate. Or does it? You can beat Nature at her own game. We've cloned sheep for Christ's sake! We ought to be able to protect our crotch.
On a side note, I seem to attribute a lot of weight to an irrational fear of being kicked in the balls. I wonder what that stems from? I assure you, I have two large, matching, large, fully-functioning, large testicles which are large, so that's not it. Hmmm... you see, that's why I write these articles. It gives me a chance to discover my own issues. If any of you have ideas about what might be wrong with me, why not shoot me an email? In the future, I think I'll avoid addressing any further issues of the testicles.
