"Everyone is a moon and has a dark
side which he never shows to anybody."
- Mark Twain
The Setup:
Waiters and waitresses (which will from this point on be referred to as "they" or "them") are paid to take orders and bring restaurant patrons their food and drinks in a timely manner. Tipping is and always should be optional based on the quality of service received. Restaurants that charge a minimum tip are gouging consumers, turning off consumers like me, and setting themselves up for poor performance by "them."
The Payoff:
As far as I am concerned, "they" should start the meal off expecting a $0 tip (or less). Only through superior performance, laughing genuinely at all of my jokes, and flawless execution should expect a tip of anywhere near 15%.
Brass Tacks:
All of "them" that are male or unsightly females are wasting time trying to earn a tip from me and in my opinion, should immediately quit and find another profession. Female "them" with good looks are the only ones with a slight chance for tippage... even then, performance is a key element. Let's be frank, I start off disliking a waiter. At least I'm not biased in that regard.
The Last Word:
Overall, it's a matter of earning it. You know what I mean! Really earning that tip, not expecting it. Be very afraid if you are one of "them" and I ever get into a position of legal power in terms of wages and compensation.
- Jared
Author's Note: Of course I am only kidding. I respect and adore all the service and wait staff professionals out there. Peace.
Benzilla Responds:
The views expressed here are not necessarily the views of the Smartest Man Ever. Incidentally, they're not even close. I happen to tip big almost all the time. I only tip small or not at all if the service was terrible. There's a good reason for this, and it's not that I'm made of money. I simply like pleasant company. If I see smiles, I open up my wallet. I also like to flirt with pretty waitresses. Jared and I have discussed looking into waitress psychology that I might flirt with better results, but I digress. Suffice it to say that Jared has a fairy-tale romance in mind and thus gains nothing from tipping big. I, on the other hand, might still meet the girl of my dreams at Denny's. Amen.
