So let's say I'm driving my good ol' Le Baron down the road one evening and, for one reason or another, I stop paying attention to what's in front of me. I look up, and suddenly there are obstacles in my way! One is a dog that has wandered into the road. The other is you... and in all likelihood, you're j-walking. There's no swerving out of the way for this one, Kiddies! One of you has to die. So the choice is obvious. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.

Oh, Please, God! Why?

I'll tell you why. Because only one of you is innocent, and it isn't you. Not to devalue animals into mindless puppets, but the overwhelming evidence is that these creatures operate, more or less, solely on instinct. They don't have any "evil" intentions. They never do anything just to piss someone else off or to plan out the humiliation of one of their peers. They do everything they do out of instinct. They eat and hump because that's all they can really grasp. They don't do calculus. They don't want money. They do what their brains and bodies tell them to.

Now you, on the other hand, are a piece of trash. Outside of a newborn infant, who among us can claim to be totally innocent? Who can claim to have never cheated? Never lied? Never hurt someone out of pride or envy? No person is innocent and pure. Sometime in your life you've done something evil. In fact, you've probably done many evil things. So when it comes time for me to decide who I'm going to delete, guess what? It's you. Without even thinking twice. Not even twice. Not like I WANT to kill you (probably), but I won't feel guilty because I'll know that I made the right decision.

So what if the choice was between an old, sick animal and a young child with his/her whole life ahead of them... when they may yet grow up to be the next Mother Theresa? Well, that's a special case. There's no way for me to tell all that in a split-second. So I have to play the odds. And the odds are that their respective brains look something like this:

Bloodsports

• Hunting
  These jokers go out with super-advanced rifles and camouflage. They hide in bushes and wear fake moose scent to attract animals. Seems kinda easy, don't it? Not really much of a "hunt." Not really "man vs. beast." More like "over-equipped coward vs. unsuspecting animal." And there are even such things as "canned hunts" where they let animals loose in a fenced-in area and you go hunt them there! In some instances... they're already caged for you! So they CAN'T get away. So there is ZERO chance that you'll come away empty-handed. PATHETIC!!! What ever happened to the days of REAL men? Where you'd go and wrestle a bear with your bare hands? You take a bear down without a weapon, and then you're a hunter. You deserve to eat and stuff that thing. Use a high-powered rifle or shotgun, and all you are is a middle-man. You didn't hunt anything. Smith & Wesson did.



"Be vewy quiet... I'm hunting wabbits!"

• Fishing
  Way to outwit a fish, Buddy. These guys are ridiculous. They buy and use this expensive NASA-grade sonar equipment to track down... a fish. They develop "highly advanced" lures. Commercials advertise these sparkly, electronic, vibrating lures and say things like, "trout can't tell the difference!" Right, because we would want a challenge. We wouldn't want to have to outsmart a whole fish! With our advanced brains, let's develop something that we KNOW is outside of the fish's realm of understanding. Not so we might fool him, but so that he CAN'T (is unable) to tell the difference between our fake lure and a real bug. Let's use the technology the army uses to detect boobytraps during wartime to find ourselves dinner tonight! Ever heard of shooting fish in a barrel? Can you really be proud of yourself when you need NASA to help you fish? You want to be a man? Go swim out in the ocean or river, and catch one with your bare hands. No lures, no harpoons. Your bare hands. Then we'll see who's tough. Besides, seafood tastes like ass. Why would anyone even want to catch it?



• Rodeo
  Let me get this straight. You start out already on the thing? That's kind of an upperhand, isn't it? Shouldn't you be trying to jump onto it when it still has a fighting chance and isn't already tied up? Then you ride it for a whole 8 seconds, and then when you're thrown off it, you run away while someone else (a rodeo clown) diverts the animal's attention so you can escape? Not very manly there, Tex. Then you ride around and rope/tie-up a calf? Nice one, Tough Guy... hunt down a fucking baby cow. Real tough. You want to be a real man? How about you get into an enclosed arena with a bull? You're both unarmed, and you're both ready to go. To the death. Win that, and you're a rodeo king.



• Bullfighting
  This is the worst and most barbaric combination of rodeo and hunting. This time, you're actually down there antagonizing the poor bull... riling it up and essentially torturing it. And then after throwing multiple spears into it to slow it down, you murder it with a sword. I like Spain, but you bullfighters are pathetic cowards.

Poachers

This is the most despicable offense I can think of. These bastards make their money by going all over the world and hunting down protected and endangered animals to sell as trophies, fur, ivory, etc. on the black market. Animals that are already endangered! And for what? So some rich asshole can have an exotic trophy that he didn't even hunt for himself. I've heard of such terrible things as making ashtrays out of the severed hands of gorillas. The worst is the ass-backwards ancient belief that some Eastern cultures have about the "healing" powers of the parts of certain animals. There is at least one species of rhinocerous that is nearly extinct because some Asian cultures believe their horns promote virility. Just the other day, the Discovery Channel was showing how they had found some remote habitat of rare bears in Siberia, and they were filming these beautiful, exotic creatures. The program ended by showing film from when the explorers returned the next season to find the corpses of over 70 of those bears. Poachers had found the habitat, killed 70 of the bears, removed their gall bladders (which are believed in Asia to have some medicinal purpose for which, it was noted, there is zero evidence), and left the ENTIRE rest of the bear there. They killed 70 bears... took 70 gall bladders... and left 70 otherwise-complete corpses there to rot in the sun. What a stupid, senseless waste.

This is not a racist thing, by the way. I have no problem with Asians as a race... I don't happen to care what race or color anyone is. But there is a difference between race and culture. The problem is not the race you are genetically, but rather the culture/belief-system you support. I can be white and still grow up in and support, say, a Middle-Eastern culture. And you can be Asian and grow up with a more western belief-system. Race isn't the issue... culture is. What I'm saying is: regardless of race, I have a HUGE problem with any culture that supports this behavior or belief-system... superstitious, barbaric fools. Idiots! You cruel, archaic idiots.

Must-See T.V.

My favorite shows are the "When Animals Attack" series. You see people running with the bulls. Or trying to get a picture next to a lion. Or slapping a bear in the face. Or yelling and frightening an elephant. Then the animal goes on a rampage and kills everyone in sight. The announcers all say "what a horrible tragedy." Meanwhile, I've pissed myself from laughing so hard. If you don't have the good sense to keep your distance from a dangerous animal, then you deserve what you get. That goes for everyone. I'd hate to see any of my friends or family get trampled by an elephant, but it'd be their own stupid fault, now wouldn't it? You don't rationalize with animals. They're instinctual, remember? Even a "trained" animal may get spooked in the right situation. And as that tiger chomps down on your head, I'll be chomping down on my popcorn on the other side of the television screen.

If I Ever See Someone Kick A Dog, etc...

I will cripple you without a second thought, you Mother Fucker. I don't care how big you are or who you're with. I will fight dirty, cheat, and use weapons if I have to, but I will personally make you so sorry you ever got a pet in the first place. And before you tell me you'll sue... it's so absolutely worth going to jail over. I'll be more than happy to do my time... I'll even turn myself in. It's a cause I believe in, and when I'm done with you, you'll believe in it too.

So, Benzilla, Are You A Vegetarian?

Yes, I started in the summer of 2003, and it was not a hard transition at all. If you want to know why, read through PETA.org. It is impossible to have every living thing on earth die peacefully of old age. It's a fact of the animal kingdom that animals brutally kill one another. They eat each other alive for Christ's sake! So I suppose the idea of eating meat, but using every part of the slain animal, seems like a more humane way of being carniverous (if that is your choice). In today's world, this is not the reality. And for all of you who participate in hunting, fishing, etc... just because you eat it doesn't excuse your barbarism. If you think it's manly or macho, think again. All hunting is is a dirty video game. Point and shoot. With some dirt around you. A "sport" for cowards. How many other sports involve the other players just standing still while you line them up and hit them with something? Oh yeah, and the other players don't even know they're playing until they've been shot at. There's no element of competition. No real test of strength. If you want the thrill of the hunt, why not try all of this with your bare hands?

True, we are at the top of the food chain, but just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Our nation has more than enough nuclear warheads to destroy the earth many times over. With that kind of power comes the responsibility of knowing when to use it. As a species, we could eradicate every other animal on earth. The real strength is having the wisdom and grace to not.

- Benzilla