As we all know, the tallest blade of grass is the first to get cut. I go around touting how I'm the smartest man ever, and you people get angry. You don't want to believe it. You'll do anything to prove me wrong. Anything to knock me off my high horse. It's always, "Who does he think he is? Thinks he's the smartest man ever? We'll show him! No one is allowed to think higher of themselves than I think of myself! No one may be happier than me! I'm disillusioned with my life, so to hell with him for being all pleased with himself!" Of course, you'll all want a chance to stump me or tear me down. I know, I know! How presumptuous of me to assume you even care! And yet, you still write in. Why do you suppose that is? (See the above quote.) So fire away you insolent piggies... fire away, and watch as I dismiss you with the ease of a deity.
Email me if you have a question or challenge... send your worst! If it's actually worthy, I'll post it along with my response! Click on a number below to go to a specific question.
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"So, if you're the smartest man ever, what's the capital of Madagascar? Better yet, what number am I thinking of right now?"
Tad
Atlanta, GA
Don't be stupid. I'm not "the man who knows everything." I don't know the capital of Madagascar, and believe me when I say that I don't care. I don't know everything. Nobody knows everything. You almost certainly know a fact or two that I don't, but that completely misses the point. I'm not saying that you can never know anything that I don't already know. I'm saying that my cumulative cognitive ability dwarfs yours. Biotch!
"I saw out on the web somebody else has a page where they claim to be 'the smartest man alive.' What gives?"
Phil
Dublin, CA
That is what we call ridiculosity. How could he be the smartest man alive when I'm still right here? When I die, he may then be the smartest man alive, but as long as I breathe, he is, at best, second best. Besides, imagine making such a huge claim as "smartest" anything and then aiming so low as "alive?" If you're going to be a pompous ass, go all the way. I am the smartest man... EVER. Not the smartest man alive today. Not the smartest man on earth. The smartest man in all places and all times. I am the most intelligent human being that will ever exist. Now that, my piggies, is a claim. Your "smartest man alive" should set his goals a little higher. Biotch!
"Men are stupid. I'm a girl, and I guarantee I'm smarter than you."
Kim
Boulder, CO
That could be. Notice that I am the smartest man ever. I could still conceivably be the smartest man to have ever walked the face of the earth and yet have my intelligence micrified by any woman on the planet. I'd still be the smartest man ever, wouldn't I? Incidentally, I don't believe for a second that this is the case, but if it will pacify your feminist banter, so be it. Biotch!
"Who's better in bed... your mom or your sister? From experience, I'd say your mom, but I'm wondering what the Smartest Man Ever has to say on the topic."
Jesse
Seattle, WA
Well if this is my competition, my God, I may actually be the smartest man ever. Maybe this is just the kind of reader I attract. I fail to see how this question at all relates to my status as the superior intellect, but let me say this: I don't even want to speculate as to the sexual prowess of any of my family members. And rest assured that I am absolutely not willing to do the kind of research necessary to properly answer the question. Enough said. One side note though, Jesse: Jerkin' off to one of my family portraits doesn't exactly qualify as "experience" with my mom... especially when your eyes are transfixed on my part of the photo. Biotch!
"Dear Old SME... I began reading your website with interest, then I lost interest... then it came back... the interest that is. I realized that I am the new SME. Wow! What a feeling! I mean, being the SME is just great. You are the first to know, but I plan on calling my mom and dad and telling them right away. Oh yeah, I should probably call my girlfriend, and my Aunt Jennie too. Anyway, would you like to pass along any advice? Although you are not the SME anymore, I realize that I could benefit from your experience while you carried out the tasks of SME. Also, I have a few questions, if you don't mind. How long is the smartestmanever.com domain paid up for? Do you want me to reimburse you for any remaing [sic] time? What are the essential tasks, events, duties that I will need to attend to, especially in the first couple of days?What is a google? Would you like to stay on as vice-SME? I really am not looking for a full-time job right now."
The New SME (NSME)
(Location Undisclosed)
Thank you for your (occasional) interest. As a matter of fact, being the SME is a lot of fun! I mean, everyone is wrong sometimes, but it happens so rarely with me, I've seriously almost forgotten what it feels like. So you think you're the new SME? Well, "Smartest Man Ever" does include the word "ever," which implies that at no time (past, present, or future) will there exist a man who is smarter. Unfortunately, that includes you. And while your mom and dad may be right when they tell you that you might be president or an astronaut one day, I'm afraid that SME is one title that no amount of hard work will earn you. Hmmm... now I feel all bad. You sounded so excited. I don't want to crush your dreams. How about if I create a position for you? I could use an intern. How about if I make you the "Bound Lackey and Obstinate Worshipper of the Smartest Man Ever," or the "BLOWSME." That's something to be excited about, huh? I bet you can't wait to tell your family about that one! Oh, and don't worry about telling your girlfriend. I can tell her for you. She's right here. Biotch!
"Can you design, build, and implement a modification for all makes and models of automobile, providing fuel efficient power (125-150 mpg) while keeping performance in check, or improving?"
Ted
Toronto, ON
FishbowlProductions.com
Excellent question! The "official" answer is that, assuming that such a feat could be accomplished by a single person, there has never existed a man more capable of this complicated task than myself. While I have put zero energy into improving fuel efficiency or even researching the physics involved, I know that if I did, I would be in a better position that anyone to advance the modern automobile. To be honest, the subject doesn't really interest me though. For one, I drive a Town Car, so you can guess how much I care about gas mileage. And for two, the world will be forced to accept and utilize some alternate form of energy in the not-too-distant future, being that oil is non-renewable. My time would be better spent advancing alternatives like the electric car.
The "unofficial" answer is that I have, in fact, already designed a technology to improve fuel efficiency, but a secret society of world leaders (heavily influenced by oil companies and auto manufacturers) has silenced me! I have agreed to never release the details of my work for fear of my life. So, better luck next time. Yours was a genuine question, so it is with a heavy heart that I must end my response to you with the traditional... Biotch!
UPDATE: Ted and I had a little flame war going for a while, but I have found peace and allowed myself to let people who are wrong just be wrong. Click here and here if you're interested in seeing some of it.
"Because your claim is still to be proven pubicly, your words are nothing more than a shot in the dark. Every lasting word. Hell you wouldn't even qualify for the giga society; hell still further, you probably have no idea what the hell it is. Ever heard of a "power IQ test"? What about the ultra-HIQ community? Ok, now, what about the International High IQ Society's world's smartest man competition? Didn't see you on the high scorers list. Let me guess you were competing under a false identity. Wait, that would make you a liar (suprise! suprise!). But then again, that we already knew! You don't even list your IQ, name of the test, etc (flunk!) Nor have you bothered to promulgate your definition of "intelligence"(flunk again!). What a joke you are! Total joke!
PS: A "google" is a very large number. Namely, a "1" followed by a hundred "0". Can't believe you didn't know that, hell I did, and I'm only 9. I guess that makes me the smartest boy in the world. Oops, how can the smartest boy in the world be, smarter, than the smartest man in the world... hang on, unless..."
Brennan
(Location Undisclosed)
So for you, five things:
1) I know you're not 9. Was that a type-o? Did you mean 19? I could have used a word like "promulgate" at age 9, but not you.
2) The first two sentences of your email make you look like you don't know what you're talking about. I almost deleted it without reading the rest. You misuse the idiom "shot in the dark," and you wrote "every LASTING word" when one can only assume you meant "every LAST word." If you're addressing someone with the intent of trying to appear mentally superior to them, you really ought to double check details like that before you send it out.
3) I've heard of almost every test and website you mentioned, and taken some of them. My question to you is this: say I really am the Smartest Man Ever. Do you think that it's my responsibility to take every little test that every little nobody on the internet sends me just to prove my case? Is it my job to take time out of my busy day to stop and "prove it" to every little puppy that barks at me when I walk by? I think not. On top of that, imagine that you were the Smartest Man Ever for a moment, if you can. Don't you think you might be bored to tears with taking every nameless standardized test that every nameless Mensa-wannabe organization puts out? High IQ Society this and Giga that. Who cares?
4) You're absolutely right. I didn't answer the "google" question above. And I actually do know what it is, besides a company whose employees are all richer than I. And if I didn't know, wouldn't I have looked it up real quick and pretended that I did? So why didn't I answer it? Because it wasn't the gist of his question, and it wasn't worth mentioning... it ruined the flow of my answer. That you noticed a detail like this makes me wonder if your intellect is lopsided. See below.
5) After you've digested my first four comments, I would like to say: "A joke? A total joke? You mean my website... with that ultra-serious title... and all that serious discussion about intelligence I have on this page... you mean you think it's all a joke?" Hey congratulations! You figured out something that everyone else who visits the site realizes right away. And it only took you a day. Guess you're not as smart as you think you are. This is why standardized tests are not the perfect measures of intelligence. People who are too far off the scale on those things tend to be, shall we say, "social retards." There is a communication and social interaction side of intelligence too. (You will learn this if you study the brain in college.) People who are too much of one are generally too little of the other. I am a lot of both, hence I'm the SME. You, on the other hand, may be a great IQ test taker but apparently aren't terribly adept at picking up social cues. Otherwise you might have seen the site for what it was immediately. My advice is to balance your brain out, or you will be very smart, but eternally a virgin. Biotch!
"Good Morning. How are you measuring your intellect?"
Tom
Roseburg, OR
With this. Now, you were far too polite, and so I simply refuse to call you "Biotch!"
"Smartest man ever? We'll see about that. This isn't even the hardest problem I have. It's extremely hard for the average human, but it should be a piece of cake for you. Don't evade the question by being silly. Just answer the question. It should take you 5 secends. Email me with the solution.
Daniel
(Location Undisclosed)
Well it didn't take me long at all... to realize that you neither pasted nor attached your problem/question in that email. So I guess there is at least one thing that you know and I don't -- namely, what the fuck it is you're talking about. But if I had to guess, I'd say this solution you're looking for really might just be: use spellcheck. Seriously, it should only take you about "5 secends."
As I write this, it's June of 2008. Some of you may have noticed that I haven't updated this page in a long time. I just checked, and the last update was May of 2005. Holy smokes, it has been a while. I honestly still get emails like this a couple times a month. They're usually stupid, but this one was so bad that it was worth dusting off this page and posting it.
Based on the many emails I've gotten over the last few years, trust me on this point: if at any time you are actually about to send me an email because of this page, consider the fact that virtually every email I ever get looks something like the one above. I know you think that you're special and that you're going to be the one to finally nail me, but history doesn't lie. Chances are you too are going to sound ridiculous. Trust me. As for Daniel, seriously though, fucking snore... I can't believe I came out of retirement for this little biotch!
Is that all you've got, People? Everytime I hear from one of you, I'm reminded of the cognitive distance between myself and the rest of mankind. Please, please, please email me something good to argue with. Oh, how I do love to argue. And those who have come before you have left me so bored. *Yawn* Ciao for niao.
